‘not to worry because worry is useless in times like these’…an ongoing challenge for me.  

i love this song, ‘where there is a man and there is no voice, there i shall go singing’…..one of my challenges, one of many, is exerting my voice, my power, my authority in my life, my business.  i’m cool if my opinion aligns with yours, but if it differs, and if it is an important topic, i struggle.  in recent years, i’ve realized that rather than wade through the waters of holding my truth in the light, i stuff it, unless i simply can’t bear to, especially if it only affects me.  many people don’t want to hear anything except what they believe…what their perception is.  and many of those same people have such strong coping skills to put it back on whoever disagrees, to make them wrong, to make them feel awkward, you see, that is how they get you to be quiet.  and i have. been quiet.  it is part of what locks me up at times.  

the only exception i experience is when the issue relates to my children.  topics that involve the treatment, care, or parenting of my children, i have a voice, and i feel confident and (a bit more) fearless…my internal critic, the one that tells me most conflicts are because of me, he recedes and i stay present, and firm with what i want for them, what i expect, what i will and will not tolerate…end of story. there is a obvious distinction from issues that involve just me (even in business) and i observe my strength.

 a new goal is to to cultivate this strength and determination for my own life, business, relationships and encounters.

it’s not to say that i don’t feel drained from exerting my voice, because i do.  yet, if the topic is my children, i don’t reel over it, and question myself in useless detail about whether what i am asking for, or how i’m asking for it is valid.  

lil ones deserve to be protected…respected….their mind, their bodies, their souls and their spirits…THAT is one important and never wavering value i have.  

now, as a mom, i certainly have my moments when i lose my patience or overlook something and have to clean it up with AJ & G….i want to model humanity to them….to show them that big people make mistakes and it’s ok to own it, that they deserve apologies too.

for some reason, this is important for me to share here.  it’s a delicate balance having a blog that illustrates my profession, and to also share personal stuff…and yet my personal stuff is intertwined with what i do and the underlying relationships are key elements in my daily life and work.

a theme this year….my voice, my authority, my power…even writing that makes me cringe.  like, what Jana?  you think you have power?  who do you think you are?  

i have to learn to be more comfortable with using my voice.  you see, when I was in Corporate America it was easier to play that role—to enforce the policies and procedures for the companies i represented.  it’s much more difficult and emotionally dicey for me in representing my own business…not just my business, but my passion….something i put my heart and soul into.  every decision, every layout, material selection, piece of furniture, accessory, every everything that i encounter in design is important to me and taken very seriously.  

do not be mistaken though…i equally value the wants, needs, preferences, and interests of my clients.  but that is really for another post.  this is more my sharing of a personal struggle, on a variety of fronts, related to me having a voice in my life in work and in play.

so, here’s to using your voice.  i’d love to hear your experience with having a voice, in life, love, work, parenting, whatever. is this easy for you or do you struggle too?  if you do, what have you found helpful?  it truly helps me and warm my heart when you share your experience here.

Peace.

Feeling a bit of melancholy this week; it happens to me…it is not a bad thing, nothing to be worried about; it’s actually part of my process…I have learned this through the years.  Let it be, sit still, know creativity will come, as it does…sweet timing…this life.  

I had a life sized Raggedy Ann in my room growing up, it came from my Grandpa Nordin.  Don’t know what happened to her, but I found these thrifting and adopted them instantly…they live in the studio, they make me happy.

Image taken in my studio, shot by my lovely friend, shannonkelli; quote via the rain is gonna fall, the sun is gonna shine

I hope you are all having a great week.  The weather has been lovely and moderate, something boyfriend and I treasure; AJ & G have wished for a bit more heat as we got them a lil pool this weekend and they love it…we get one every year.  Sending smiles and sunshine.  Peace

Let Me Live, Grace-fully

Thank you Lord,

for this season….of sun and slow motion, of games and porch sitting, of picnics and light green fireflies on heavy purple evenings;

and praise for slight breezes.  It’s good, God, as the first long days of your creation.

Let this season be for me…..a time of gathering together the pieces into which my busyness has broken me.  O God, enable me now….to grow wise through reflection, peaceful through the song of the cricket, recreated through the laughter of play.

Most of all, Lord, let me live easily and grace-fully for a spell, so that I may see other souls deeply, share in a silence unhurried, listen to the sound of sunlight and shadows, explore barefoot the land of forgotten dreams and shy hopes, and find the right words to tell another who I am.

Ted Loder, Guerrilas of Grace

Be well, have a lovely and safe Independence Day weekend !!  Peace

image via eclectic gipseyland

image via flickr photostream multicoloured arc

life can be stressful.  news is sometimes hard to listen to. there’s work, there’s safety, there is so many things for big people to worry about, fight about, fight for, get preoccupied with. i’m committed to being a good mommy, and by that I mean, being present for their perspective, taking in their world view.  making time for play….laughter and lightness. affirm in them their utter preciousness. big people worries sometimes challenge my skillset. 

Life is playfulness….we need to play so that we can rediscover the magic all around us                                                                                                                                                         Flora Colao

picture via today’s flak photo it’s the freckles, the cool textured nature of the shot, and the innocence of their illustrative boyish energy, seems pure, which I long to protect (new mommy dreams, ok).    

unravelling.  i am. it’s not the first time.  it’s certainly far from the last time. literal and figurative. now, i’ll have company.  i’m imagining good, clean, heartstrings type company.  i will share some of it there.  it started before this started; it started before I was paying attention to the fact that it existed at all this time around.  life has so many elements, so many, too many. these elements require attention, take energy. expending the energy is all I have. all I have.  no time to reflect, assess, feel the weight of the undercurrent. swept in. then under…….now. i’m imagining how I’ll fold, tear, sculpt, buff and display the unravellings. it might be my best work yet.  yep, i’m going with that.  i feel blessed to be alive and open to this experience; the online course, and my course in this life.  

image by:  jana